Decoding School Struggles: A Parent's Guide to What's Normal (And What's Not)
Three weeks into the school year, the patterns begin to show. Maybe mornings feel like a daily battle, homework ends in tears, or your child has gone quiet about their day altogether or you’ve already gotten those notes and calls from school.
And you find yourself asking: Is this just school? Is my child just adjusting or is something more going on?
It’s a question that keeps many parents up at night. The uncertainty is exhausting—the analyzing, the second-guessing, the wondering whether to do something now or wait it out.
After working with families for decades, I can tell you: the line between “normal adjustment” and “cause for concern” isn’t always clear. But there are signs that help you understand what’s typical and when it may be time to get more support.
What Normal Adjustment Can Look Like
Every child goes through some turbulence at the start of a new school year. Even confident kids need time to adapt to new routines, teachers, and peers.
In the first 4–6 weeks, most children show some bumps as they settle in. They might be more clingy in the mornings, extra tired and irritable after school, or go through temporary changes in sleep and appetite. Some feel awkward as they figure out new peer dynamics. And for many, feelings are mixed—excited one moment, resistant the next.
These behaviors usually ease with time. The keyword here is temporary.
When School Struggles Signal More
Sometimes the challenges don’t fade—they grow. That’s when it may be a sign your child needs extra support.
Academic and executive function concerns might show up as homework taking far longer than expected, constant forgetting of materials or instructions, or teachers noting gaps between potential and performance. Kids may struggle to switch tasks or even start them without repeated prompting.
Social and emotional red flags include ongoing meltdowns, frequent physical complaints like stomachaches tied to school, or complete refusal to discuss their day. You may hear worrying statements like “I’m stupid” or “I hate school,” or see your child withdrawing from peers and avoiding group activities altogether.
If struggles aren’t easing after several weeks—or if they’re intensifying—it’s worth taking a closer look.
Understanding the “Why”
Persistent school problems are rarely about attitude. They often point to specific underlying challenges:
Executive Function Challenges
Executive functioning is the brain’s “management system”—the skills that help kids organize, plan, pay attention, control impulses, and adapt. When these lag, children may forget instructions, lose assignments, or get stuck starting tasks, leaving them drained by the end of the day.Social Anxiety vs. Shyness
Shyness is warming up slowly. Social anxiety is deeper—a fear of judgment that makes everyday school interactions feel threatening. Children may freeze when asked to participate, avoid peers, or develop physical complaints before school.Sensory Processing Difficulties
For some, the school environment itself is overwhelming. Bright lights, loud cafeterias, and crowded hallways can overload their senses, showing up as meltdowns after school, refusal to enter certain spaces, or zoning out in class.
The Parent Side of School Struggles
When your child struggles, you feel it too. Many parents describe lying awake replaying the day, feeling their stomach drop at the school’s phone call, or withdrawing from other parents who seem to be managing fine.
On top of worry, there’s the constant mental load: watching for patterns, coordinating with teachers, researching solutions, and carrying the advocacy role—all while running a household. No wonder your patience feels thin or your body starts signaling stress.
Caring for Yourself in Worry Mode
When your child is having a hard time, self-care feels impossible—but that’s when it matters most. Quick strategies can help keep you grounded:
3-3-3 reset: take 3 breaths, notice 3 things around you, recall 3 reassuring facts.
Worry time boundaries: give yourself 15 minutes a day to think about school struggles, then gently redirect outside that window.
Simple resets: fold laundry, step outside, or call someone who understands instead of spiraling alone.
Working With Schools Without Burning Out
Advocating for your child matters, but it’s also draining. These shifts can help:
Go into meetings prepared with specific examples.
Be ready to validate the school’s position and concerns.
Assume positive intent and focus on collaboration with teachers.
Pick your battles; not every issue needs a fight.
Take breaks from advocacy when it feels overwhelming.
Support doesn’t have to come only from school. Tutors, therapists, and community programs can also be part of the plan.
Taking the Long View
In the middle of school struggles, it’s easy to feel consumed. But the bigger picture is resilience. The goal isn’t just solving today’s problems—it’s helping your child learn they can face challenges and still grow.
That might look like supporting them through academic stumbles without panic, encouraging social confidence in small steps, or modeling your own healthy coping strategies. Even when you don’t have all the answers, your calm and confident presence helps them feel less alone.
And if you’re not sure what resilience-building could look like for your child, this is something we can figure out together. Sometimes a short consultation gives you the clarity and direction you need for your next step.
Moving Forward
If you’re noticing patterns that concern you, trust that instinct. Seeking support early—whether through teachers, professionals, or a quick consultation—often makes the road easier for everyone.
And as you move forward, remember this: your steady attention and care matter more than perfect solutions.
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About the Author
Suri Nowosiolski, LCSW, MSpEd, is a licensed clinical social worker with over 30 years of experience supporting children and families through school transitions and challenges. She specializes in childhood anxiety, school refusal, social skills development, and parent support. Suri is the founder of Hearts & Minds Psychotherapy Group and offers evidence-based programs for families navigating educational and social challenges.
